We’ve outsourced every external part of our life from dog walking to writing a fan letter to our child’s favorite Olympic hurdler. But we’ve also outsourced the stuff going on inside our heads as well. We’ve delegated the internal task of understanding ourselves to an army of therapists, life coaches, and self-help gurus. You may be thinking “but isn’t a professional with fancy degrees (or questionable certifications) far better at knowing me than, um, me, because the only advantage I have is complete access to all my own thoughts and feelings (at least, the unrepressed ones)?” Well actually it turns out that no one cares more about understanding you than you, so it’s time to take back control of your mind. Welcome to the recently resurgent world of autology, where you can be your own worst enemy and best friend, all at the same time.
What exactly is this “autology” thing of which you speak (and why should I care anymore than I care about Freud’s cigar)? Autology is simply the study and understanding of oneself. It’s arguably both harder and yet more accessible than an Olympic sport. Harder, because in autology, you’re both the athlete and the coach, training rigorously to master the high jump over your own insecurities and perfecting your backstroke through the pool of your subconscious. It’s like the decathlon of the mind, but instead of ten events, you’ve got an infinite number of neuroses to navigate (and there’s no closing ceremony to let you know when can stop caring about this sport anymore for the next four years).
But fear not, aspiring mental Olympian! Unlike those poor souls competing in Paris right now, you don’t need to worry about drug tests (and you don’t have to sleep on cardboard beds). Your only competition is yourself, which is both comforting and mildly terrifying when you think about it too hard. And it’s far more accessible than say equestrian dressage, because you can get better at autology anywhere you are in the world at any time with no equipment required beyond having a conscious brain. Hell, I guess you could even do it while competing in equestrian dressage, if that’s your thing, because your brain is always with you, ready for a workout at a moment’s notice. Stuck in traffic? Perfect time for some introspective sprints. Waiting in line at the grocery store? Why not try a quick round of emotional weightlifting?
Of course, like any good Olympian, you’ll need to develop a rigorous training regimen. Start with some light journaling to warm up those introspective muscles. Then move on to more intense exercises like confronting your deepest fears or attempting to understand why you still can’t fold a fitted sheet properly (a skill that should definitely be an Olympic sport, if you ask me, but there’d only be like six people in the world who would qualify). For the truly ambitious, there’s the marathon of meditation – hours of sitting still while your thoughts under the surface go wild like a pack of overzealous water polo-ers.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But what if I discover I’m not the mental athlete I thought I was? What if my inner self turns out to be more ‘couch potato’ than ‘gold medalist’?” Well, my newfound friend, that’s the beauty of autology. There are no style points, no judges holding up scorecards. The mere act of participation makes you a winner. Plus, unlike those poor gymnasts, you can always blame your poor performance on equipment failure. (“Sorry, my brain was clearly defective today which is weird because the NFL says that pot is a performance enhancer…”)
As you progress in your autological journey, you might find yourself developing new skills you never knew you had. Suddenly, you’re a master at mental gymnastics, able to rationalize any decision with the grace and flexibility of Simone Biles. (Tangent: I just watched Simone win gold on the vault and I’m surprised that breaking the laws of physics is not an automatic disqualification.) Your ability to hurdle over emotional obstacles becomes the stuff of legend. And your synchronized swimming with your various personality traits? Absolutely flawless. When it comes to understanding you, you are the G.O.A.T. (“Greatest Of All Thinkers” in autology parlance).
But remember, newly crowned G.O.A.T., autology isn’t just about personal glory. It’s about understanding yourself better so you can be a better teammate in the relay race of life. After all, how can you pass the baton of human interaction if you don’t even know which hand you prefer to hold it in?
While sitting here watching Olympics medal winners get their country’s flags raised above their heads, I can’t help but think that’s it time we raised up our own banners. While I’m not sure autology will be an Olympic sport by 2028, there’s no time like the present to dive deep (with minimal splashing) into the waters of own psyches, burdened by the glorious purpose of understanding what makes each of us unique. In a world that’s constantly trying to tell you who you are, the greatest way to win is to figure it out for yourself. And who knows? You might just discover that the person you’ve been all along is actually pretty awesome. Just don’t let it go to your head.
