In part 1, we (well, mostly me, but you read along) asked the question: does personality ever really change? In that thrilling installment (since upon further reflection, you probably didn’t actually read it, at this point, I can pretty much claim whatever I want about it, so I’m going with “thrilling”), we established that personality does indeed change over time. Sometimes it changes because we want it to (which we’ll be covering in part 3) and sometimes because the situation demands it. Sometimes they change us a little, sometimes they make us unrecognizable to anyone who knew us earlier, and sometimes they only temporarily change us until we settle back into our tried-and-true core selves not-much-unlike the way water always settles at its lowest point.
There are more external personality-impacting circumstances than I could possibly hope to list out, but here are the ones that affect the most people:
- Adulting
Growing up, I was fairly certain that growing up meant getting to do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. Turns out, that’s not far off, but “whatever, whenever” has consequences. The transition to adulthood comes with a personality shift. Suddenly, you’re forced to deal with difficult to understand concepts like “actions” and subsequent “consequences” that can result in things like “long-term incarceration.” Our personalities require advancement as we age because the world demands we take on greater responsibility (and better impulse control). Traits like conscientiousness and emotional stability may increase, and this can lead to better decision-making skills and a more future-oriented perspective. While as a child we might want to eat gelato every day, our adult side makes us realize that gelato, while quite possibly the most perfect food, must be taken in moderation. Our personality, like our bodies, is forced to grow up.
- Wedding
Sometimes called the “I Do” transformation, marriage – or long-term commitment to another in whatever form your heart inspires – is the ultimate personality changer. One day you’re living your best single life (and mocking your friends who rush into committing half of their future wealth to someone they’ve basically just met) and the next you’re debating the merits of different toilet paper brands (literally, this was me today at Costco with my wife, and pro tip: always choose soft over economical). Your personality changes as the need for compromise and shared decision-making fosters greater agreeableness and emotional regulation. You develop an uncanny ability to sense when your life partner is annoyed before they even know it themselves. Call it empathy – or call it survival instinct – but the presence of a new someone for the rest of your life (for now) will change you on a fundamental level. Some people even become more extroverted (or introverted) as they adapt to their partner’s lifestyle.
- Parenting
Nothing quite alters your personality like becoming responsible for a miniature version of yourself (or, in some cases, a miniature version of the Amazon delivery guy, in which case, you’ll see your personality change extremely quickly). Parenthood transforms even the most carefree individuals into walking safety manuals (at least for the first child). You’ll find yourself saying things like, “don’t lick that” and “take that dead bug back outside” with alarming frequency. Your personality might shift towards infinite patience or occasional bouts of hysteria (sometimes both within the same minute). New parents often experience increased conscientiousness and a heightened sense of responsibility. Patience and empathy may develop more fully, while spontaneity might decrease as routines become necessary. You might even start finding dad jokes funny, which is arguably the most terrifying personality change of all. (“Why don’t skeletons cross the road? They don’t have any guts.” That was the first joke I ever remember my dad telling me as a very young child, and it was funny when I was 5, not funny for the next 30+ years, and then suddenly funny again as I embraced the dad-joke stage of life.)
- Moving
Moving, or as it’s sometimes called in semi-professional circles, the “New Latitude, New Attitude” phenomenon. Moving to a new place can be like hitting the reset button on your personality. Suddenly, you’re the mysterious new person who could be anyone. This happened to me when I was just a teenager: I was a moderately shy, geeky, loner boy from Oregon then I switched to a new school in Washington and was suddenly an outgoing, athletic, track “star” who had more female friends than anyone else in school. Whether it’s a new city, state, or country, geographical changes often lead to personal ones. You might discover a love for tango dancing in Argentina or develop an inexplicable fondness for maple syrup in Canada or find traffic laws don’t seem to matter anymore in Puerto Rico (that one’s from personal experience). Exposure to new cultures and social norms may increase openness to experience. Adaptability and resilience often strengthen as individuals navigate unfamiliar territories. Just remember: what happens in Vegas… might fundamentally alter your core personality traits and your credit score.
- Working
The “cubicle to corner office” metamorphosis is real. Not to draw on personal experience yet again (though it is so much easier than drawing on your experience, since I have no idea who’s reading this), but I have been a student, a carnie, a librarian, an underling in the direct mail department, a financial leader, and a CEO (along with a whole lot more), and I can tell you, that my personality evolved with every change in job description. Career changes can turn introverts into public speakers and creatives into number crunchers. As you climb the corporate ladder or switch fields entirely, your personality adapts. You might become more assertive, learn the political game, or perfect the art of looking busy on the outside while quietly quitting (and dying) on the inside. Professional growth is not just about job skills, it changes us on the inside too. Leadership roles might enhance assertiveness and decision-making skills. Career shifts can also lead to increased openness to learning and flexibility in thought processes. You might even start using words like “synergy” and “paradigm shift” unironically. (I am judging you so hard right now.)
- Educating
Turns out, forcing your brain to absorb new information can change how it works. Engaging in higher education or continuous learning can impact personality in ways that go beyond just making you sound smarter at dinner parties (though that does remind of the time Plato, in The Republic, said…). Critical thinking skills may sharpen and you might expose yourself to new ideas, new philosophies, new external insights that change fundamentally who you are. Helen Keller, once she was able to read, found out that her life was particularly privileged and she became an avowed socialist (true story, look it up). The social aspects of education can also enhance extroversion and agreeableness in some individuals. You might find yourself actually enjoying group projects or voluntarily raising your hand in class (though this side effect usually wears off after graduation).
- Eventing
Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs (“plot twists”, if you will), and these major life events can reshape our personalities. Whether it’s winning the lottery (that one doesn’t happen that often), facing a health crisis (it happens to basically everyone at least once in their life/death), or discovering your spouse’s second phone isn’t for work after all, these events force us to adapt. You might become more resilient, develop a darker sense of humor, or gain an appreciation for the little things. Traumatic experiences might increase neuroticism and anxiety or, conversely, build resilience. Positive events like achieving a long-term goal could boost self-esteem and optimism. Either way, you’ll come out the other side a slightly different person, for better or for worse. I’m not saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; just that what doesn’t kill you definitely changes you.
- Sickening
No, I’m not talking about that time you ate sushi off a buffet (although that probably changed you too). Significant health events or lifestyle changes can influence personality in profound ways. Brain injury can cause a sudden change to personality as well as age-related brain diseases like dementia or Alzheimer’s. My maternal grandparents both suffered from Alzheimer’s, and it doesn’t just cause a regression to an earlier state: they both became new, different people. But it doesn’t have to be a massive, physical brain change that alters the personality. A serious illness might lead to increased introspection and a shift in priorities like adopting a healthier lifestyle or becoming more self-disciplined. Have a brush with death (or another health scare that causes you to question your own immortality) and you might find yourself becoming the kind of person who actually enjoys kale smoothies and 6 AM runs. As you change physically, your personality will change, because it’s always there for the ride.
- Selfing
Sometimes, the biggest driver of change is… dramatic pause… ourselves. Despite what that mother/daughter super-powered team of Myers and Briggs says, we can change our own personalities (and personality types). Whether through therapy, self-help books, or a sudden epiphany while microdosing, we can actively choose to alter our personalities. Never forget that you are not just the author and editor of your own story, you are the star. Deliberate efforts to change oneself can alter personality traits in ways that might surprise you. This might involve working on emotional regulation, developing new skills, or shifting thought patterns. You could determine to become a better person, or you could decide just to be a different person, but the power is within you. Do you know how many psychiatrists it takes to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change. More on that in part 3 with hopefully fewer dad jokes.
Even if we like who we are, life has a funny way of molding us in its own image. Sometimes it does it gently, so we don’t even realize we’re being changed, and sometimes more violently like your five-year-old self trying to make “art.” The key is to embrace those changes and learn from them. It’s easy to miss these changes as we grow, because we often believe that who we are now is who we’ve always been and always will be. It’s called the “End of History Illusion” and basically, it’s a defensive mechanism of the brain that leads us to think “nope, we’re done growing, because this is it, I’ve hit PEAK ME.” Note that this is utter and complete nonsense. Just remember that future you is probably laughing at present you (if future you is willing to admit that present you ever existed). On that note, maybe keep a journal so you can look back and wonder “wait, who wrote this? Cause it definitely wasn’t me.”
Hopefully, reading this has at least changed you a little, and part 3 will change you even more.
